There are few people as schooled in the Art of the Sick Burn as Gordon Ramsay. The British chef has built a highly lucrative personal brand around his ability to tell it like it is, both as the host of several popular reality TV shows and as a celebrated restaurateur in his own right.
Last year, Ramsay announced he was tossing his chef’s hat into the red-hot hard seltzer space with Hell’s Seltzer, thus joining the likes of Travis Scott and Blake Shelton who are using their celeb status to hawk boozy fizzy water. When I learned about Ramsay’s latest entrepreneurial endeavor, I knew I had to get my hands on Hell’s Seltzer to subject it to the same level of scrutiny Twitter and TikTok’s go-to foul-mouthed food critic levels against questionable culinary creations.
Ramsay can certainly dish it—but can he take it? And is Hell’s Seltzer “unapologetically bold” or is it simply unapologetically bad? Here are my hot-as-hell takes:
More like “berry underwhelming.” The can advertises notes of peach, blueberry, and raspberry, but it’s missing the most overpowering note I’m picking up: that of mediocrity. Ramsay was appointed Officer of the Order of the British Empire (OBE) by Queen Elizabeth in 2006. I’m not saying this seltzer is bad enough to warrant the Queen to rescind that appointment, but I’m not not saying that either.
If I wanted a Shamrock Shake, I’d go to McDonald’s. I’d say this falls somewhere between “puke dip” and “frog spawn.” My favorite part of drinking Mean Green was right before I put the can to my lips when I still knew of a time that I had not tasted Mean Green.
You know what it feels like to have a wedgie that you just can’t shake? Like you’ve got your knickers in a twist? Take that feeling, distill it, put it in a can, and call it Knicker Twist. Subtle notes of passionfruit, pineapple, and orange give this one a sweet-and-spicy palate, while more prominent notes of hot burp give it an aura of shame. As Ramsey once wrote, “I’m choking !”
I couldn’t have said it better myself, Gordon. Three cheers for key lime, vanilla, and cringe wordplay. It’s the perfect seltzer for when you’re seriously considering the life choices that have brought you to this moment.
THE FINAL VERDICT
If we’re being candid, the four Hell’s Seltzer flavors all have their merits and would serve as worthy additions to any cooler for low-key summer sipping. But where’s the fun in celebrating Gordon Ramsay’s hard seltzers?
One of the secret powers of any good hard seltzer is the ability to strip away your inhibitions and expose a slightly truer, more encumbered version of yourself. So if Hell’s Seltzer can help you channel your inner Ramsay, affording you the confidence to dole out brutal honesty and no-holds-barred roasting, I’m all about it. Just maybe don’t go so overboard as to feel compelled to place two pieces of bread on the sides of a person’s face and called them an “idiot sandwich.”
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